"COMMENTATORIST"

Part cheese-foot and all glutton-belly, the Commentatorist is the product of a northern Canadian farm plus its neighboring farm when the farm children hooked up; what with the selection of mates being problematic in such an underpopulated part of the world and all.

 

Long believing he was living inside a video game, the Commentatorist spent much of his life communicating in 8-bit sound effects−−a practice which soon found him "discovered" by Hollywood north's top talent agency and appearing in bit parts on TV as "that guy"−−employment that would serve as great cover while he worked covertly for [information redacted] and acting as the Prime Minister's wife's surrogate lover and Canada's Chief Ham Spanker−−which in terms of Crown appointments put him just below Governor General−−a serious honor in Canada.

 

Soon enough, Canada found itself existentially threatened by a can of rigatoni which the Commentatorist alone understood to be a communication device controlled by aliens with the ability to control Tom Cruise who controls others with questionable spiritual beliefs.

 

Employing his mastery of 8-bit video game sound effects, the Commentatorist was able to convince the aliens that they had, in fact, sent the canned rigatoni to the wrong address.

 

They subsequently sent the device to another galaxy where it promptly formed a dual black hole system and collapsed in on itself annihilating all matter within the region of approximately a cubic light year−−an event recently detected by earth's LIGO detector and several of the Commentatorist's unicorn kin, not to mention Tom Cruise.

 

Though he saved earth, the Commentatorist did serve jail time for denying Canada its beloved canned rigatoni, but it was widely understood that the move was political because he just wasn't spanking Canada's ham good enough and the Prime Minister's wife was displeased. Currently free from incarceration and ham-free, the Commentatorist spends his spare time writing this blog, but purely by accident.